Ugly Is Not Nice
The Sexy Genius Consortium puts its lips to your lips to stop the lie.

Like virtually all people who are both remarkably intelligent and devastatingly physically attractive, we here at the Sexy Genius Consortium are also really nice.  Well, why wouldn’t we be?  What do we have to be jealous of anyone about?

    And that’s why it makes us hopping mad that ugly boring people have been trying to advance the idea that devaluing traditional trappings of extreme attractiveness (or, more accurately, pretending to devalue them) is, for lack of a more complicated term, “nice.”

    Because it’s not.

    Sure, everyone is insecure sometimes, even us (well no, not us, but you know what we mean).  And when you’re feeling insecure it can sometimes feel as if the people who passionately and unapologetically confess that glamour makes life worth living are forcing you to jump through hoops, whereas the people who flatly boast that they don’t “judge” people based on appearance are letting you slide.  It seems to make sense, and it’s tempting to believe it.

    But don’t.  It’s actually just life that’s making you jump through hoops, and glamour lovers are just being honest.  And as for those smug “non-judgmental” types—well, they’re just lying!  And we don’t see what’s so nice about lying, do you?  It may seem at first like that good kind of lying that’s done to spare someone’s feelings, but don’t be fooled.  When people lie to themselves by denying the sexy, it always causes more grief in the long run.

    Take those hipster guys who say they find a girl in jeans and sneakers with no makeup on more attractive than a properly done-up lass in stockings and heels.  A lot of poor, naïve gals hear that and think it must mean they have “better attitudes about women” than other guys.  But they don’t.  First of all, they are lying about what they find attractive in the first place.  If there were really all these guys out there who found boring more attractive, then there would be a ton of porn websites featuring makeupless women in jeans and sneakers raking in the cash, but there aren’t.  (Yes, there are websites where the girls wear jeans and sneakers, but these are “teen”-themed sites where the models are dressed that way because it makes them look younger than they are; what the patrons are actually attracted to is fifteen-year-olds, not jeans and sneakers.)

    Maybe some Clueless Clarissas have even been fooled into thinking that these guys are so “nice” that they don’t even jerk off to internet porn at all!  Sorry, but there’s no such animal.  If you are biologically male and know what the internet is, then you jerk off to internet porn, no exceptions.

    Come on, boys…  You can admit it to the Sexy Genius Consortium girls.  We have no reason to be jealous, so we love porn too.

    Half the time, the deal with the “nice” guy who’s into jeans and sneakers is that he’s so resentful of female sexiness superiority that he can’t bear to have his girl look good in front of anyone but him.  So silks and laces are fine to wear for his enjoyment at home, but thou shalt look like crap in front of everyone else?!  If you think that’s “nice,” then why not just move to one of those countries where women have to be covered from head to toe? 

    And lame frightened guys aren’t the only offenders.  Ever met one of those girls who claims she finds a guy who’s scrawny or out of shape more attractive than a guy with a six-pack?  Indeed, this is even more common—you hear academic-background bitches say this all the time.  Only once again, it’s not true.  If it were, then there would be such a thing as calendars featuring pictures of out-of-shape dudes dressed as firemen, but there isn’t.  What girls mean when they say this is that they feel like a guy who is a little bit out of shape is less likely to be an asshole than a guy with a six-pack.  But “approachable” is not the same thing as attractive.

    What both men and women really mean when they claim to find the less attractive trait more attractive is that someone in that category seems like they’d be easier to get into a relationship, and less likely to cheat on you, mistreat you, or leave you thereafter.  And if people want to “settle,” that’s fine.  No-one is proposing a law against settling.

    But can we please stop pretending that sexy is not in fact sexy?  Educated ladies, stop pretending that you don’t like muscles.  Hipster boys, stop pretending that you don't like big tits, red lips, and tall shoes (and ladies, stop believing them!).  Biology is biology, so you might as well be telling us that your spleen doesn’t filter your red blood cells.

    Oh, but maybe if we all pretend to like the unsexy thing, eventually people really will like the unsexy thing, and then everybody will magically become nice, because unsexy is “nicer” than sexy!  Please. 

    All this will actually lead to is resentment.  You think you can’t have what you want, so you pretend like you want something else, but no matter how “nice” this makes you look, you are going to end up hating it because it’s not actually what you want, and once that happens you’re not going to be so “nice” anymore.     

    Come on, honey—what’s so feminist about feeling pressured to feign a political objection to what turns you on?  Is this really about women trying to gain ground on men, or just about ugly girls trying to gain ground on you?   

    And those guys who claim they can take or leave the sexy?  Impossible.  If he’s a guy, he wants the sexy, so if he doesn’t want you to do it, he still wants someone to do it.  But if he doesn’t want you to do it, that means he thinks there’s something wrong with it.  But he still wants it, which means he thinks there’s something wrong with what he wants.  And what a guy wants is what “women” means to him, so any guy who thinks there’s something wrong with what he wants thinks there’s something wrong with women.  And that’s not “nice.”

    So the next time your boy wants you to put on your open-toe slingbacks and pleated pleather mini just to go grocery shopping with him, instead of chiding him for “objectifying” you, how about loving him for not thinking it’s “slutty?”  If you’ve got a guy who’s secure enough to get tingly instead of angry when the world eyes his girl up and down, that should make you one damp tramp.

    And once you’re click-click-clicking through the frozen foods leading him along by the tongue, that might be a good time to mention that you expect him to start working his obliques until he has a nice crisp “ V ” going, because you wannit wannit wannit and his body exists to satisfy you.

    We don’t think he’ll have any objections.