Dear Hot Chicks…
A word of advice from your friends at the Sexy Genius Consortium

Contrary to popular belief, it’s not easy being a hot chick.  People think you’re mean.  People think you’re dumb.  People, both male and female, yell stuff at you on the street.  Get introduced to a group of other women, and they roll their eyes and won’t shake your hand.  Get an ugly waitress in a restaurant, and you have to worry that she’s going to mess with your food.  Work for an ugly boss, and everything gets blamed on you.  People bend over backwards to avoid giving offense to just about every other group of people you can think of these days, but it’s still open season on hot chicks.  People are downright encouraged to be mean to you.

    Can you utter one word of complaint without being called a bitch?  No way.

    And can you to turn to your friends for support?  Of course not, because your so-called friends are the worst of all (at least the ones who are not as hot as you, which let’s face it, is all of them).  Anytime you come to them with a problem, they act like you couldn’t possibly really have one, and it only takes them about ten seconds to cut you off and start talking about how much harder their lives are.  You would think your less-hot friends wouldn’t have so much trouble believing that you have problems, seeing as how they never stop going out of their way to create more for you: screaming that you take too much time to get ready, telling embarrassing stories about you because they’re “so cute,” and of course, constantly accusing you of being selfish and a “bad friend” for no reason at all.  News flash, ugly girls: the fact that guys come over to talk to your hot friend instead of you does not mean that she is doing something wrong—your friend is just hot, and that is what “hot” means!   

    And they are always, always trying to trick you into eating stuff that will make you fat.

    “Ooh, let’s get a pizza!”  “Ooh, let’s get some ice cream!”  “Ooh, we’re having my birthday at the Lard Trough this year, and it would mean so much to me if you would take the Lard Trough challenge with me, where we both try to eat an entire cheese-injected pig together using just our faces, and if you say no it means you are a bad friend!”

    Despite the obviousness of her vindictive ploy, still you—the noble, hunted hot chick—feel a pang of pity, like maybe your bovine friend is "just being nice."  Please!  If another hot chick kept offering you cartfuls of double cheeseburgers out of nowhere, you would effortlessly deduce that she was trying to destroy you, right?  Of course you would!  So why should you believe for a second that a fat bitch who does so is "just being nice?"  On the contrary, this sort of tactic is even more dastardly and less forgivable when engaged in by a fat bitch.  At least a fellow hot chick has something to gain by eliminating you as competition—but a fat bitch still will remain prohibitively undesirable no matter what, and just wants to ruin your life too, even though it won't benefit her to do so!  And why do the supposedly superior consciences of fat bitches not bother them in the least?  Because they have thoroughly convinced themselves that you deserve to be the object of such callow sabotage, just for being hot! 

    Why do they even bother being friends with you, if they really think you’re so terrible?  Because being seen with you is the only way anyone would ever think they were cool.  And this is how they repay you!

    But the petty behavior of ugly chicks wouldn’t be so bad by itself.  Lusciously resilient as you are, hot chicks have always known how to deal with jealousy.  What really hurts is the fact that society always sides with the ugly.  You have to hear every day about how biased society supposedly is against unattractive people, when you know perfectly well that it is really biased against hot chicks!  You have to sit there and hear about how you are “fake” and not a “real” woman; about how you are “oppressing” other women just by being alive; about how you are “obviously” stupid and “obviously” a big slut and “obviously” don’t think that anyone is good enough to talk to you and “obviously” don’t care about important things.

    Would it be okay for a college to offer a class about how there shouldn’t be such a thing as Black people, or Jewish people?  Of course not.  So why is it not only acceptable, but considered culturally advanced, for universities to offer courses about how there should not be such a thing as hot chicks?  Outrageous!  

    Did you ask to be born a hot chick?  No.  You just happened to be born possessing a quality of which other people are jealous.  Well, the academics who came up with the anti-hot-chick courses were born good at school, and people were jealous of that and called them nerds.  Did they like that?  No.  So how can they turn around and call you names just for being born hot?  And they're probably not even any smarter than you anyway.  People just think they're smart because they're ugly.

    Perhaps you even took some of these courses when you were in school, in an effort to give ugly chicks’ hatred of you a fair hearing.  You even made a point of trying to look as unattractive as possible in front of them, always attending class in sweatpants and a ponytail, so they wouldn’t get too mad at you.  But did it matter?  No!  They just accused you of trying to show off that you could still look better than them in sweatpants and a ponytail!

    Honestly, what is so educational about showing a class YouTube videos of models falling down?  Everybody falls down once in a while, models included.  The pro-ugly forces of academia would have us believe that hot chicks are keeping civilization from moving forward.  But in fact, hot chicks are the only reason civilization exists in the first place!

    Why were laws written, and governments instituted among people?  Because power impresses hot chicks.  Why do people labor at their educations, and drive themselves to become successes in their fields?  To make money, so they can buy things for hot chicks.  Why did humans invent and advance poetry, music, and the other arts that most distinguish us from lesser beasts?  So guys without money could have a chance with hot chicks too.  Why did mankind bother to explore and settle the entire globe?  They were in search of gold, which has been the basis for the world economy since the dawn of recorded history, even though it is utterly useless aside from the fact that it can be made into jewelry for hot chicks to wear.

    You just have to accept that ugly chicks will always be pissed at you no matter what you do, and stop caring or trying to please them.  Yes, people will say that this is cold, and makes you an even worse person, but you just have to ignore them.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding that you don’t care about the feelings or opinions of people who are going to hate you no matter what you do.  Look at it this way: Some religious extremist on the other side of the world thinks you are a bad person for not covering your hair, but do you care what he thinks?  No.  So why should you care what some fat bitch thinks?  The religious extremist has been driven insane by his religion, and the fat bitch has been driven insane by being a fat bitch.  There’s no difference.  Neither of their opinions matters.  Simply accept that your destiny is to trample them with your endless legs.

    If still you balk and tremble at this destiny, it is only because you feel you don't deserve it, and have allowed the ugly herd to convince you that you are the "bad person" they wish you to be.  After all, you do not wish to hold back the advancement of women...  But the truth is that it would be downright sexist and un-feminist of you to capitulate to their envy!  Consider the situation of a man who is exceptionally good-looking: Do you wish him to lend it credence and willingly diminish himself when he is called a "faggot" by goombas?  Of course you don't, for then there would be no good-looking men, and only goombas.  And would he, no matter who wished him to?  No!  So why should you lend it credence, and diminish yourself, when you are called a "bad person" by fat bitches?  If a good-looking man ought not diminish himself in answer to the wails of envy, would it not be manifestly unequal for a hot chick to do so?  The only difference is that fat bitches have learned to couch their resentments in less overtly hateful terminology than have goombas, and so society is fooled, and credits them further.  But absent the veil of academic respectability, the rhetoric of timorous resentment is all equally hateful, and equally invalid.  

    Hot chicks, you shouldn’t have to take this one moment longer.  You go right ahead and be hot chicks, and never look back.

    You have nothing to lose but your ugly friends.